It is not only the big character traits that our kids learn from outside influences. When they are little it is also in the tiniest things that you see your influence. Hannah and Oliver used to hold play telephones and say "yeah, mmmhhmmm, sure" as if listening to someone on the other side, and hold the phone between their shoulder and their ear. Hannah will call Oliver and say, "Come here RIGHT NOW" in a bossy tone (oops). And every word they hear they repeat. Which is the whole point when you are teaching them to speak, but becomes a little more dangerous as they get older, right!? Other moms, have you ever been told you should be in a time-out for saying a "bad word"? I have. I admit. I said idiot. (My kids have high standards!) I took my time out and now bad driving gets growled at rather than commented on. ;-) I'm learning.
One of the biggest influences I have noticed is by how I act and react to situations. When kids fall, they often look up to mommy for the "it's OK" face. Glen and I still say "you're OK" when we see a small trip or something not too serious happen. And if something really owie happens they are scooped up and cuddled and told "you're OK". Now the kids will fall and we hear them shout out, "I'm OK". It's pretty cute, because sometimes, truthfully, the fall might look worse than OK to me. I think we'll be doing that all their lives. Because they will fall during their lives, and it will be an honor for them to look up to me to hear me say, "It's OK".
Both Hannah and Oliver are very sensitive kids, and they gauge how they should react to situations by taking their cues from me. And as a mom who isn't always the strongest mom in the universe I have had to act my way through some sticky (for me) situations. Like the time I had to cross a
suspension bridge in Canada because Oliver went charging ahead of me before I had time to say, "I don't do suspension bridges so let's turn and head back". Hannah was nervous and was desperately looking to me for the answer and so I had to put my chin up and walk across the bridge encouraging her the whole way about how pretty it was and what great views there were and how I'd never been on a bridge like this and we were all going together. (Truthfully I don't think I looked except out of the corner of my eye while my white knuckles clung desperately to the rope but my cheery face made them happily keep on walking). When we got to the other side the kids were so excited. And I cried. I didn't exactly conquer my fear, but I didn't let it completely conquer me, either. Hannah noticed my tears and just hugged me and said, "You see! I told you we should do it!" So that's what she remembers. It was her idea, apparently. And I'm so glad she felt such confidence.
Another thing I am learning is to be aware of building things up too much. Like the dentist. We have the BEST
pediatric dentist and the kids love him. But telling the kids it's great, nothing to be scared of and not uncomfortable/ sore would be lying. (Hannah, after all, has had 7 fillings and a root canal. As a mom with the same soft enamel I KNOW that had to hurt.) 6 months ago for their twice yearly check up I made appointments for both kids at the same time. WHAT A DISASTER!! I told them how it was going to be no problem, they should be brave, etc. And then Oliver was supposed to have his first x-rays (I guess he didn't have then when he was 1 and 2... too little?). He FREAKED OUT! And then so did she and they screamed and melted down together and literally got held down to have their teeth cleaned and examined. (Both sets of teeth were looking great, thank goodness!) Traumatic day for all of us. I swore that next time I'd take them individually because they definitely fed into each others drama and I could only handle one melt-down at the dentist at a time.
So today was the next 6month check-up for Hannah. When I told her to get dressed this morning she cried and started clenching her jaw. I saw an immediate need to intervene. But this time we talked in the car about everything that she could be scared of each step of the way, and explained each thing and brought it down to a level that she could understand wasn't so bad. And she did GREAT!!! Sat grinning while they did the x-rays (again... clean bill of dental-health), lay calmly while they brushed and examined her teeth, got up happily and chose a balloon and a toy, and chatted to me about how it was "even a little bit fun".
Some days I feel like I walk a tightrope (suspension bridge, maybe??) between being encouraging and being demanding of them. If I'd told Hannah we had to walk across the bridge because Oliver was going on his own and she should be a big girl and get the panicked look off her face, chances are she'd have panicked and Oliver would have turned back and joined the panic and they would have trapped me on a bridge and all three of us would have ended up traumatized! This balancing act has such major differences in results... melt-down v. confident behavior. Yikes. So I guess really it's a see-saw, not a tightrope.
